That’s Kind of Interesting [v92]

OCTOBER 2006

THAT WAS KIND OF INTERESTING—Over the past almost 8 years that I have been writing this “Deep Thoughts” newsletter, I have collected a potpourri of interesting ‘snippets’ that I have been waiting to use with a related topic I was discussing—may of which were send to me by y’all.

Well, I could send you one of them on a daily basis for the next 50 years, and not use all of what I have collected.

So, here’s a sampling of some of the recent ones—picked for no particular reason, in no particular order. (It’s a bit long to read in one ‘sitting’, so maybe take a look at one of them daily—maybe as you’re startin’ off you day. I tried to ‘mix ’em up’ so there’s something for everyone).

Enjoy….
Mark

LIFE’S DEEP THOUGHTS (v92) for OCTOBER 2006

Thanks to:
Richard Bachman
Gene Besh
Randy Besh
Bill Bishop
Joel Bussell
Candace Cesarz
Ben Daniel
Melissa Garr
Susan Garr
Jill Gardner
Dorothy Griesman
Jon Groh
Michelle Jones
Terry Longo
Jim Martin
Andy O’Dell
Dennis Psyz
Fred Rusher

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VERY POIGNANT THOUGHTS

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson
17. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.
[Author unknown – Received from Michelle Jones]

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THE PARADOXICAL COMMANDMENTS
– People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. 
Love them anyway.
– If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish motives. 
Do good anyway.
– Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. 
Be honest anyway.
– The biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest minds. 
Think big anyway.
– What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. 
Build anyway.
– People really need help but may turn against you if you help them. 
Help them anyway.
– Give the world the best you have and you may get kicked in the teeth. 
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
[Dr. Kent M. Keith]

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LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB?
In these ‘lean’ times, it’s always a good thing to keep your options open for new job opportunities—here’s one to consider:

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.  Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life.  Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, especially when children are in teen age years.  Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.  Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.  Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this—you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.  A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

STILL INTERESTED? THE POSITION YOU ASK?: Well, it’s a Mother, Mom, Mama or Father, Dad, or Daddy
[Author Unknown – Received from Dennis Psyz]

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‘HOLY’ ALPHABET
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of “Camp Complaining”
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To “thank” is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We’ll run the race with gratitude
X-alting God most high
Yes, there’ll be good times and yes some will be bad, but…
Zion waits in glory…where none are ever sad!*
[Author Unknown]

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There is nothing two people can’t do if one is God and the other is you!

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“Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world: There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the  morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve  circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new  building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

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Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

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Life is a celebration. Don’t postpone it. Grasp the hour! Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Here is a list of possibilities to make your day a brighter day.

Seek out a forgotten friend. 
Write a love letter. 
Share a treasure. 
Encourage someone with a kind word. 
Keep a promise. 
Give to a needy cause. 
Forgive an enemy. 
Listen. 
Apologize if you were wrong. 
Try to understand. 
Read your good book. 
Pray for your family. 
Examine your demands on others. 
Appreciate a friend. 
Be kind, be gentle. 
Laugh a little. 
Laugh a little more. 
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.
[Author unknown]

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GOOD ADVICE (Especially in today’s society)
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

1. Next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or first name, but your bank will know how you sign.

2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put “PHOTO ID REQUIRED.”

3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the “For” line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number. Anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won’t have access to it.

4. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks. (DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.

5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We’ve all heard horror stories about fraud that’s committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, and credit cards.

Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stole last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here’s some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.

2. File a police report immediately in jurisdiction where credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here’s what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought to do this.)

3. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves’ purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away. This weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.

Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, credit cards, check book etc. if stolen:
1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271

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There is a Native American story about a schoolboy who appreciated his teacher and wanted to give her a gift she would enjoy. He knew that his teacher loved seashells. One weekend, the boy walked to the ocean—a twenty-mile distance—found a beautiful shell and walked back home. Monday morning, the boy gave his teacher the shell. She thought it was beautiful. It took a moment, but then it dawned on her what the boy had gone through in order to give her the gift. She asked the boy, “You mean you walked all that way to the ocean and back just to give me this shell?” The boy looked at his teacher, and with a tear in his eye, he said, “The long walk is part of the gift.”

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One day when I was caught up in the tyranny of the urgent, I was sent these thoughts. They forced me to take a look at my own life and reevaluate my priorities. They helped me, so maybe they’ll help you.
– Life is too short to nurse grudges or hurt feelings.
– It’s too short to worry about getting ready for Christmas. Just let Christmas come.
– It’s too short to keep all your floors shiny.
– It’s too short to let a day pass without hugging your loved ones.
– It’s too short not to take a nap when you need one.
– It’s too short to put off Bible study.
– It’s too short to give importance to whether the towels match the bathroom.
– It’s too short to miss the call to worship on a Sunday morning.
– It’s too short to stay indoors on a crisp fall Saturday.
– It’s too short to read all the junk mail.
– It’s too short not to call or write your parents (or children) regularly.
– It’s too short to work at a job you hate.
– It’s too short not to stop and talk to children.
– It’s too short to forget to pray.
– It’s too short to put off improving our relationships with people that we love.
– Life is just too short. Way too short to settle for mediocrity!
[Author unknown]

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A story has been told about a grandfather trying to teach his son about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil—he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”
[Author unknown]

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One foggy evening the battleship’s captain, radioed to the unknown ship, “Advise you change course 20 degrees to avoid collision.” Someone on a radio replied, “Advise you change course 20 degrees to avoid collision.” The battleship’s captain was not amused. He radioed, “I am a ship’s captain, change course 20 degrees, now!’ Then came another reply, ‘I’m a seaman, second-class, and I advise you to change course 20 degrees, now!” The captain was furious, “This is a battleship! I order you to change course 20 degrees, immediately!” The seaman radioed back, “I’m a lighthouse!”
[Author unknown]

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I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked God for health that I might do great things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing I asked for but everything I had hoped for… Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men most richly blessed.
[Unknown confederate soldier]

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The school was to include classes in swimming, climbing, flying and running. All the animals were required to take all of the classes. The duck was good in swimming and he was pretty fair in flying but he was just terrible in running. As a result, the duck was forced to drop his swimming class and stay after school so he could practice his running. He kept this up until he was only average in swimming but average was okay and that was acceptable and the others were no longer threatened by his swimming abilities. Everyone felt more comfortable, except the duck.

The eagle was somewhat of a problem student from the very beginning. In climbing, the eagle beat everyone to the top of the tree, but did it in her own way. She flatly refused to climb the tree and had to be severely disciplined. She was so uncooperative in swimming classes that she finally had to be kicked out of the class.

The rabbit started at the top of the class in running, but was obviously not up to speed in other areas. In fact, the rabbit almost broke its leg trying to fly by using its ears as wings. The rabbit had so much make-up work to do in swimming that it had a nervous breakdown and had to drop out.

Sadly, the turtle was a failure in almost everything. The turtle’s shell was considered to be the primary cause of this dismal performance, so it was removed. This helped the turtle’s running a bit, but unfortunately, it became the first casualty of the school when stepped on by the horse. By the end of the school year, there were no real successes. It seemed that all the animals were either average, sick, or dead.

Each one of us certain gifts and abilities, certain strengths and weaknesses. The question becomes which do we focus our efforts on, fixing our weaknesses or developing our strengths? Without doubt, there are some life skills that are important to become competent in—and if we find we are weak in those skills—we should make an effort to improve. Yet, as the parable teaches us—if we primarily focus on fixing our weaknesses—we may end up wasting our strengths!
[Author unknown]

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A FAILURE?
There was a man that grew up on an isolated farm with only one year of formal education. In his early years he was exposed to barely half-a-dozen books. In 1832 he lost his job and was defeated in the race for the Illinois legislature. In 1833 he failed in business. In 1834 he was elected to the state legislature, but in 1835 his sweetheart died, and in 1836 he had a nervous breakdown. In 1838 he was defeated for Speaker of the House, and in 1843 he was defeated for nomination for Congress. In 1846 he was elected to Congress but in 1848 lost the re-nomination. In 1849 he was rejected for a federal land officer appointment, and in 1854 he was defeated for the Senate. In 1856 he was defeated for the nomination of Vice President, and in 1858 was again defeated for the Senate.

If you feel like a failure, you’re in good company. Abraham Lincoln had more failures than victories, yet some would call him the greatest president the United States has ever had (elected in 1860). [Note: Thomas Edison ‘failed’ over a thousand times before he had a working light bulb!].

There is one word that comes to mind when I think of failure: perseverance. To persevere means to hang on, to stick with it, to press forward!
[Ted W. Engstrom – “The Pursuit of Excellence”]

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WHEN I WHINE
Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair
I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch
But as she passed, she passed a smile.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine
I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy
The lad who sold it had such charm
I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad
If I were late, it’d do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
“I thank you, you’ve been so kind.
It’s nice to talk with folks like you.
You see,” he said, “I’m blind.”

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue
He stood and watched the others play
He did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
“Why don’t you join the others, dear?”
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew, he couldn’t hear.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I’d go.
With eyes to see the sunset’s glow.
With ears to hear what I would know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I’ve been blessed indeed, The world is mine.
[Received from Melissa Garr]

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God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.
 Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
 as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right 
if I surrender to His Will;
 That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
 Forever in the next.
[Reinhold Niebuhr]

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I saw a story on the Internet recently about a farmer’s donkey that had fallen into an old, abandoned well. The animal brayed and brayed as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. The farmer could not think of a way to get the donkey out of the well, so he decided to bury the donkey and fill the well in the process. The farmer grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and began braying all the louder. Finally, the donkey began to quiet down. After shoveling for a while, the farmer looked down into the well and was amazed at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit the donkey, the animal would shake the dirt off and take a step up. The farmer continued to shovel dirt into the well, and the donkey would shake it off and take another step up. After some time, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

What’s the moral of the story? Let’s look at it from the perspective of the donkey. Like dirt being shoveled on the donkey, the negative experiences of life can seemingly bury us. Crying out is a natural and appropriate response when we find ourselves in tough times. However, crying out alone doesn’t solve the problem.  The solution, with God’s help in our lives, is to shake the experiences off and to use them as stepping-stones. I believe God uses all of the experiences of our lives as opportunities to build, shape and mold us into becoming more like Jesus. Further, if we don’t give in—if we shake off the “dirt” and take a step up—allowing God to work in our lives, we become equipped not only to better handle more “dirt,” but to reach out and minister to others who are experiencing similar trials and challenges in their own lives.

None of us escape life’s “dirt.” To remain silent and do nothing won’t help. Instead, the next time you find yourself on the verge of being buried by life’s circumstances, cry out to God. With God’s partnership at work in your life to make you more like Jesus, shake the “dirt” off and take a step up. Then, when you’ve come through the circumstance, don’t just trot off. Be sure to extend a helping hand to someone else who is struggling.

Now let’s look from the perspective of the farmer. While I’m not certain about the intelligence of donkeys, if I was the farmer, I wouldn’t be expecting much help from the donkey in the future. How would one try to convey to the donkey, “Oh, sorry about trying to kill you!”

To me, the moral of the story is that God is able to bring good from our errors. In my opinion, the farmer erred in not filling up and covering the well in the first place. It was his fault that the donkey fell into the well. What was the farmer’s solution to the problem? He decided to kill the donkey and cover the whole mess up!

Covering up for mistakes and sins sounds pretty familiar. For those going through difficult situations as a direct result of poor decisions, the truth that God can bring good from bad may seem a bit “preachy,” and not too helpful. However, some further consideration can bring some comfort. Since God is all-powerful, He can do what we cannot. He is able to transform even the worst intentions into good outcomes. This doesn’t mean that we should expect God to remove the natural consequences for our poor decisions. In fact, I think He only rarely does this; however, because God is good, I believe He provides opportunities for some good to result.

In the story of the farmer and the donkey, the farmer probably doesn’t benefit much from the donkey being saved. After all, he had already decided to get rid of the donkey. But from the donkey’s perspective, the story has a happy ending! A whole lot of good resulted from the farmer trying to kill the donkey!

Here’s a challenge for you today: When you realize you’ve sinned or otherwise messed something up, go straight to God. Ask Him to forgive you and always ask God to bring good out of every situation.
[Author unknown]

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WHAT I LEARNED FROM DAD
–  Admit when we are wrong.
–  Don’t try to be someone else.
–  Think small while dreaming big.
–  Be careful what we say about others.
–  Read biographies with a grain of salt.
–  Relax with those who are important to you.
–  Cultivate balance.
–  Avoid irreverent jokes.
–  Question our own use of Scripture.
– Trust in God and do the right.
[Mart DeHaan]

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THE GOLFING PHENOMENON
I shot sixty six today.
Everything seemed to click.
The drives were long, the putts true.
My swing was unerring and slick.

I may enter a tournament soon.
The pros will feel the pressure.
Opponents will sing a woeful tune
While I grin like a Cheshire.

If I can maintain this torrid pace
Fame will surely be mine.
I may even shoot for the full eighteen
What I shot today for nine.
[Author: Jay]

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A lady answered the knock on her door to find a man with a sad expression. “I’m sorry to disturb you,” he said, “but I’m collecting money for an unfortunate family in the neighborhood. The husband is out of work, the kids are hungry, the utilities will soon be cut off, and worse, they’re going to be kicked out of their apartment if they don’t pay the rent by this afternoon.” “I’ll be happy to help,” said the woman with great concern. “But who are you?” “I’m the landlord,” he replied.
[Craig Brian Larson]

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A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression, “One Nation Under God”, was unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted, “God, if you are real, then I want  you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!” The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes  went by… Again he taunted God, saying, “Here I am, God. I’m still waiting.”  His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine who was just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent his behind over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!

At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent…waiting.

Finally, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you do that?” “God was busy. He sent me.”

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One day, I was eating in a cafeteria in New York when the door of the restaurant opened and a man ran in. He rushed to a table that had been abandoned by patrons just shortly before. He began to stuff his mouth with the leftovers when the management discovered him. He rushed out like a squirrel scurrying to safety. No pride. He didn’t care what people thought. A man who is starving is dead serious about the matter of getting food. He’s focused. He’s only got one thing on his mind – where is his next meal? He’s not concerned about popularity, position, or possessions. When a person is thirsty or hungry enough, he will pay any price.

Question? What are you ‘hungry’ for today?

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There once was a King who offered a prize to the artist who would create a painting that best demonstrated peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the paintings, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them.

One painting was of a beautiful and calm lake scene. The lake was a mirror reflecting the towering snowcapped mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. Most who saw this painting thought that it was the perfect picture of peace.

The other painting had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell, and lightning danced. Down the side of one mountain tumbled a turbulent waterfall. When the King looked, he saw that behind the waterfall grew a tiny bush from a crack in the rock. Within the bush a bird had built a nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird in her nest. The King chose this picture as the one best demonstrating peace.

People grumbled at the King’s choice. The king responded to the people saying that he chose the second picture because peace did not mean being in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. The King explained that true peace meant to be in the midst of all those things and yet still be calm in heart.
[Author unknown]

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The most destructive habit…Worry
The greatest joy…Giving
The greatest loss…Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work…Helping others
The ugliest personality trait…Selfishness
The most endangered species…Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource…Our youth
The greatest “shot in the arm”…Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome…Fear
The most effective sleeping pill…Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease…Excuses
The most powerful force in life…Love
The most dangerous pariah…A gossiper
The world’s most incredible computer…The brain
The worst thing to be without…Hope
The deadliest weapon…The tongue
The two most power-filled words…”I Can”
The greatest asset…Faith
The most worthless emotion…Self-pity
The most beautiful attire…A smile
The most prized possession…Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication…Prayer
The most contagious spirit…Enthusiasm
[Received from Candace Cesarz]

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TRUST IN GOD
Courage, Brother, do not stumble,
Though your path be dark as night;
There’s a star to guide the humble,
Trust in God and do the right.

Let the road be rough and dreary,
And its end far out of sight,
Foot it bravely, strong or weary;
Trust in God and do the right.

Perish policy and cunning,
Perish all that fears the light;
Whether losing, whether winning,
Trust in God and do the right.

Trust no party, sect or faction,
Trust no leaders in the fight;
But in every word and action
Trust in God and do the right.

Simple rule and safest guiding,
Inward peace and inward might,
Star upon our path abiding;
Trust in God and do the right.

Some will hate you, some will love you,
Some will flatter, some will slight;
Cease from man, and look above you,
Trust in God and do the right.
[Norman Macleod


]

*****************************
I am only one, but I am one;
I cannot do everything
But I can do something.
What I can do, I ought to do
And what I ought to do
By the grace of God, I will do.
[Canon Farrar]

*****************************
THE EVOLUTION OF TEACHING MATH

In 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?

In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His! cost of production is $80.  Did he make a profit?

In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment:  Underline the number 20.

In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:  How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

In 2005
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100.  El costo de la produccisn es $80 ….

*****************************
DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN?
A Little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! You’re Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: “You’ve Got Male!”

*****************************
HILLBILLY MEDICAL TERMS
Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria……………Back door to cafeteria.
Barium………What you do with dead folks
Cesarean Section…….A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…………….Searching for the cat.
Cauterize……….Made eye contact with her.
Colic……….A sheep dog.
Coma……………A punctuation mark.
D&C…………Where Washington is.
Dilate………….To live longer than your kids do.
Enema………….Not a friend.
Fester…………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula………A small lie.
G.I. Series………World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail……….What you hang your coat on.
Impotent………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain…Getting hurt at work.
Morbid…………..A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…………Cheaper than day rates.
A Doctor’s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node………………..I knew it.
Outpatient…………..A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…………….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………….Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room….Place to do upholstery.
Secretion…….Hiding something
Tablet……….A small table to change babies on.
Seizure……….Roman emperor who lived in the Caesarean Section.
Terminal Illness….Getting sick at the train station
Tumor……………More than one
Urine……………Opposite of mine
Varicose…………Near by
Hospital…The biggest building in town, other than Joe’s feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

*****************************
BEYOND THE PAIN
Although Henri Matisse was nearly 28 years younger than Auguste Renoir, the two great artists were dear friends and frequent companions. When Renoir was confined to his home during the last decade of his life, Matisse visited him daily. Renoir, almost paralyzed by arthritis, continued to paint in spite of his infirmities using a brush strapped to his arm.

One day as Matisse watched the elder painter working in his studio, fighting torturous pain with each brush stroke, he blurted out: “Auguste, why do you continue to paint when you are in such agony?” Renoir answered simply: “The beauty remains, the pain passes.”

And so, almost to his dying day, Renoir put paint to canvas. One of his most famous paintings, Bathers, was completed just two years before his passing, 14 years after he was stricken by this disabling disease.”

Renoir could have easily put away his brush and canvas years before when the disease grew worse. He could have become bitter about his life’s situation and given up. He didn’t. Renoir saw beyond the pain to the beauty.
[The Best of Bits and Pieces]

*****************************
– Give God what’s right — not what’s left.
– Man’s way leads to a hopeless end — God’s way leads to an endless hope.
– A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
– He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
– In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma–but never let him be the period.
– Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.
– Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
– When praying, don’t give God instructions – just report for duty.
– Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.
– We don’t change God’s message — His message changes us.
– The church is prayer-conditioned.
– When God ordains, He sustains.
– WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
– Plan ahead — It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
– Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
– Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
– Exercise daily — walk with the Lord.
– Never give the devil a ride — he will always want to drive.
– Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
– Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
– He who angers you controls you.
– Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
– Give Satan an inch & he’ll be a ruler.
– Be ye fishers of men — you catch them & He’ll clean them.
– God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
– Read the Bible — It will scare the hell out of you.
[Received from Dorothy Griesman]

*****************************
TEACHERS
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?”

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” To stress his point he said to another guest; “You’re a teacher, Susan. Be honest. What do you make?”

Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, “You want to know what I make?”

– I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
– I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor.
– I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence.

“You want to know what I make?”

– I make kids wonder.
– I make them question.
– I make them criticize.
– I make them apologize and mean it.
– I make them write.
– I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn’t learn.”

Susan paused and then continued. “You want to know what I make? I MAKE  A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?”

Teachers make every other profession possible! The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?”

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” To stress his point he said to another guest; “You’re a teacher, Susan. Be honest. What do you make?”

Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, “You want to know what I make?”

– I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
– I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor.
– I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence.

“You want to know what I make?”

– I make kids wonder.
– I make them question.
– I make them criticize.
– I make them apologize and mean it.
– I make them write.
– I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn’t learn.”

Susan paused and then continued. “You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?”

Teachers make every other profession possible!
[Received from Dennis Psyz]

*****************************
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
[Received from Gene Besh]

*****************************
THE BIKER AND GOD
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky  
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,  “Because you 
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to  
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God said,  “Your request is materialistic.  Think of the enormous 
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the 
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly 
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to 
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of 
something that would honor and glorify me.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “God, I 
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what 
she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she 
means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
[Received from Randy Besh]
(Ed. I’m sure there’s a ‘funny’ from the women’s point of view—so send it to me!)

*****************************
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers – Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.  To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers – Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those blokes?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens keeper.  Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello, George!  what’s wrong with that group ahead of us?  They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes.  That’s a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea.  I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers – Take Four

Q.  What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A.  Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers – Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”  The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”  The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”  The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you
want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers – Take Six
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers – Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?  I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.  Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer.  I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.
[Received from John Gibson]

*****************************
RULES TO LIVE BY
Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right”.

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: “Go!  You might meet somebody!”

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her û believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, “Will this matter one year from now?” How about one month? One week? One day?

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.

13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
[Received from Michelle Jones]

*****************************
DON’T MESS WITH MOM
My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.

“Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that’s taught by Mr. Wights?
It’s all about the laws today, The ‘Children’s Bill of Rights.’

It says I need not clean my room, don’t have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head, and I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read, and watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to my toes.

And if you ever spank me, I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me, my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control, And it’s illegal too!

Mom, I have these children’s rights, so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division, better known as C.S.D.”

Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully, I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he’s messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want, there’s shirts and pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn’t care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.

I’ve canceled that appointment to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned, so I’ll decide what’s best.

“I said “No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.”

He asked “Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my DVD player?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV and DVD player, for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room, you’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now, I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me lots of nice things !

I’m selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the ‘Parents Bill of Rights’, It’s in effect today!

Hey, Hotshot, is that you crying? Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of the CSD?”
[Received from Michelle Jones]

*****************************
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.  On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.  On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.  They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.  They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.”

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year’s Lenten season rolled around.  The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.  He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”
[Received from Andy O’Dell]

*****************************
‘RULES’ FOR WOMEN
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don ‘t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.
[Received from Bill Bishop]

*****************************
The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson.  Each morning, Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading from his old worn-out Bible.  His grandson who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way he could.

One day the grandson asked, “Papa, I try to read the Bible just like you but I don’t understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book.  What good does reading the Bible do?”

The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and said, “Take this coal basket down to the river and bring back a basket of water. “The boy did as he was told, even though all the water leaked out before he could get back to the house.  The grandfather laughed and said, “You will have to move a little faster next time,” and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again.

This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home.  Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was “impossible to carry water in a basket,” and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, “I don’t want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You can do this. You’re just not trying hard enough,” and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got far at all. The boy scooped the water and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, “See Papa, it’s useless!”  “So you think it is useless?”  The old man said, “Look at the basket. “The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized that the basket looked different.  Instead of a dirty old coal basket, it was clean. “Son, that’s what happens when you read the Bible. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, it will change you from the inside out.”
[Author unknown]

*****************************
In 1829, George Wilson was adjudicated guilty and given the death sentence for murder. But, Wilson had some friends who petitioned President Andrew Jackson for a pardon. Jackson granted the pardon and it was brought to prison and given to Wilson. To everyone’s surprise, Wilson said, “I am going to hang.” There had never been a refusal to a pardon, so the courts didn’t know what to do. Discussion went all the way to the Supreme Court and Justice John Marshall gave this ruling: “A pardon is a piece of paper, the value of which depends upon the acceptance by the person implicated. If he does not accept the pardon, then he must be executed.” God loves you and wants to pardon you, but if you refuse Him, you will die and go to hell. Cast yourself upon Him completely, and receive the free gift of His forgiveness today.
[Adrian Rogers]

*****************************
IMPORTANCE OF THE BANANA
After Reading THIS, you’ll NEVER look at a banana in the same way again!

Bananas contain three natural sugars – sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes. But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills — eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness:  Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a “cooling” fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body’s water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in “The New England Journal of Medicine,” eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, “A banana a day keeps the doctor away!”
[Received from Dennis Psyz]

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It has been reported that in 1981, a Minnesota radio station broadcast a story about a stolen car in California. Apparently, the police had staged an intense search for the vehicle and the car thief – but not because the car was stolen. Rather, the owner of the car had left a box of crackers in the front seat of the car; crackers that had been laced with poison to be used as bait to attract and kill rats. The person was being pursued, not primarily to catch the offender for his/her wrongdoing, but in order to save the offender’s life.
I can’t help but think about how this story illustrates God’s pursuit of sinners like you and I. Whenever we sin—whether against others or ourselves; whether by doing things we shouldn’t do or not doing things we should—ultimately we offend God. And the Offended pursues the offender—not in order to punish, but to rescue!
[Jim Burns]

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Billy Graham’s daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her “How could God let something like this happen?” (regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, “I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we’ve been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.

And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?”

In light of recent events…terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O’Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn’t want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school . the Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn’t spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock’s son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he’s talking about. And we said OK. 
 
Now we’re asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don’t know right from wrong, and why it doesn’t bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with “WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.”

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world’s going to hell.

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send ‘jokes’ through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?
[Received from Ben Daniel]

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CONVERSIONS
For all of you who have difficulty converting units …

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Cornell University Hospital =  1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
[Received from Jon Groh]

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KIDS ARE QUICK
TEACHER Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS Maria.
~~~

TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell “crocodile?”
GREG: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No Greg, that’s incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it’s incorrect, but you asked me how I spelled it.
~~~

TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
~~~

TEACHER: Hunter, name one important thing that we have today that we didn’t have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: Me!
~~~

TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it’s because I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~

TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
BETH: I is………..
TEACHER: No Beth…..Always say “I am”…..not “I is”.
BETH: OK…….”I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
~~~

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Alex, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
ALEX: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
~~~

TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY: No Ma’am, I don’t have to.  My mom is a good cook.
~~~

TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your  brother’s composition.  Did you copy  off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it’s the same dog.
~~~

TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher
[Received from Jill Gardner]

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The visitor sadly shook his head, As he baked in the tropical sun,
“Call this Christmas?” he said to me. “Well, not where I come from,
Christmas needs snow and ice and cold, And the sound of sleight bells ring.

And as for me I can’t be sold, on weather that feels like spring.”
We looked at them and then we smiled, as he scoffed at our awful plight.
And we felt pity and were not riled, ‘Cause he was so far from right.
For no snow fell on Bethlehem, on the night the star first shone.
There was no blizzard or howling gale, that swept with a shriek and a moan.

The breeze was soft and what was more, the night the Christ child came,
Hibiscus bloomed near the stable door, as Mary murmured His name,
Bougainvillea of violet hue, arched in a graceful bower.
Poinsettas wet with midnight dew, enhanced that sacred hour.

The heavenly host in the starry sky, proclaimed the birth of a King.
And the rustling palms echoed the cry, as the whole earth seemed to sing,
So we find here in our sun-drenched land, untouched by ice and snow.
That the spirit of Christmas is at hand and we feel God willed us so.
[Author unknown – Received from Terry Longo]

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TRY TEACHING SOMEONE ENGLISH
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; 
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, 
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; 
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, 
why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, 
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, 
why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, 
yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat 
is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, 
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, 
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let’s face it, 
English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, 
nor ham in hamburger; 
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England. 

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, 
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square 
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, 
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends, 
but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends 
and get rid of all but one of them, 
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, 
why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, 
what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English 
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play 
and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, 
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which 
your house can burn up as it burns down; 
in which you fill in a form by filling it out 
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
[Received from Jim Martin]

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A NATURAL MOTIVATOR
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time.  How do you do it?”

He replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today  You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.”

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or…I can choose to learn from it.  I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or…  I can point out the positive side of life.  I choose the positive side of life.

“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested. “Yes, it is,” he said.  “Life is all about choices.  When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations.  You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.  The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live your life.”

I reflected on what he said.  Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business.  We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins…Wanna see my scars?”
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

“The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,” he replied.  “Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or…I could choose to die.  I chose to live.”

“Weren’t you scared?  Did you lose consciousness?!  ” I asked. He continued, “..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine.  But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.  In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’.  I knew I needed to take action.”

“What did you do?” I asked. “Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said John. “She asked if I was allergic to anything.  ‘Yes, I replied.’ The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.  I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity’.”

Over their laughter, I told them, “I am choosing to live.  Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.” He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude… I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.
[Received from Fred Rusher]

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GOD SAID “NO”
I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn’t granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might  enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said… Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

THIS DAY IS YOURS DON’T THROW IT AWAY
[Received from Joel Bussell]

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DEEP THOUGHTS:

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “WOW! What a ride!”
[Received from Joel Bussell]

Sorrow looks back; Worry looks around; Faith looks up.
[Received from Susan Garr]

“I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there is no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.”
[Charles R. Swindoll-Received from Richard Bachman]

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Hope you enjoyed some of these insights—share them with your friends and colleagues—so we can have a larger ‘pool’ to receive from, and more to share with!

Also, remember to include your name as the “source,” if some of this wisdom is of your doing—I would like to give credit where credit is due!

“We did not follow cleverly invented stories when we told you about the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty” [2 Peter 1:16].

Mark

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Disclaimer: All the above jokes & inspirations are obtained from various sources and copyright are used when known. Other than our name and headers, we do not own the copyright to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the ministry of God’s love and cheerfulness throughout the world.

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