Quotes|Stories|Oxymorons (v4)

JULY 1999

GREETINGS–It’s been a BUSY summer for me (the only excuse I could come up with for this being so long since the last version) — How have ‘things’ been for YOU?

LIFE’S DEEP THOUGHTS
(NOTE: Please send your ‘thoughts’ to me at: mbesh@ameritech.net)

Thanx for some of this edition’s material goes to:
Richard Bachman, Brenda Guinn, Terry and Scott Longo, Bob Hart and Rollie Mossberg

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THE WIT OF STEVEN WRIGHT
** Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
** Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
** If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
** Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
** If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
** I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
** So what’s the speed of dark?
** After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT
of the water?
** Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
** If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
** Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
** Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
** Isn’t Disney World a “people trap” operated by a mouse?
** How come abbreviated is such a long word?
** If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
** Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
** Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
** Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
** Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
** Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they
already know you don’t have?

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Three people died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter, wanting to know how well the bible is being understood, tells them that he wants to ask them one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is “What is Easter”?

The first person replied, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful…”

“No, that’s Thanksgiving.” He turns to the second person, and asks the same question: “What is Easter?”

The second person replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

Not exactly, that’s Christmas.” He then peers over his glasses at the third person and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is”?

The third person smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, “Sure I do.”

“Good” says St Peter.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third person continued… “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

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A TRUE STORY:
One day an officer was running radar in his favorite spot, but with very little luck. Finally, a young man sped by and the officer was off in ‘hot pursuit.’ He finally got the young man to stop, walked up, and said, “Young man, I’ve been waiting for you all morning.” The young man replied, “I’m sorry, Sir. I got here as fast as I could.” The officer was laughing so hard he couldn’t write the ticket and said, “Have a nice day.”

Scott Longo

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There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong or was missing in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their ‘wits’ end trying to control them.

Hearing about a pastor nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the pastor to talk with the boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the pastor and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the pastor.

The pastor sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the pastor pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Young man, where is God?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the pastor pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”

Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the pastor leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Young man, I ask you, where is God?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into  the closet, where they  usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We’re in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble.”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, ‘BIG trouble?'”

His brother replied, “I’m tellin’ ya’, we’re in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it!!!”

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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one on the receipt. As luck would have it–they matched!!

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If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft…

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5.00
Fly Feature. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  no charge
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . .$2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$1.00
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After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?” Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”

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An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing Sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

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My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

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I called the nearest Pizza Hut, ordered a pizza, and told the employee I would be coming by to pick it up. I asked if they were on the east or west side of  the street. She replied, “It depends. Which direction are you coming from?”

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A First grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up
Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close
It’s always darkest before……………..daylight savings time
You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?
Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty
A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new…………………………math
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning
The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs
An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax
Where there’s smoke, there’s………………………pollution
Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents
A penny saved is………………………………….not much
Two’s company, three’s……………………….the musketeers
Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded
When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……
…..you have to blow your nose.

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THE LAUGHING NEWBORN
A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing, I mean laughing really hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little one, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.
One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and guess what he found????? The Birth Control PILL!!!

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YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING…
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, “He’s lying” was placed in the copier. The policeman pressed the copy button each time he thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

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DILBERT’S SALARY THEOREM
“Engineers and scientists can  never earn as much as business executives and sales”

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is  Money.

As every engineer knows: Power =  Work / Time

Since:  Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money

Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you  know, the more you make

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Finals

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points):

Which tire?

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OXYMORONS

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
“Now, then …”
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

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Kids are our Miracles…….
If we all had this innocence the world would be so wonderful…..

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What It Means to Be Adopted

Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members.  One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl named Jocelyn Jay said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.” “What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child. “It means, said Jocelyn, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

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Discouraged?
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a smile. Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.”  “Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. “Why should we be discouraged?  We haven’t been up to bat yet.”

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Roles And How We Play Them

Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and think, about little Jamie Scott.  Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His  mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.  On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.  Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.  “Guess what Mom”, he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: “I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.”

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THE FATHER’S EYES
This teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship. Even though the son was always on the bench, his father was always in the stands cheering. He never missed a game. This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school.
But his father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn’t want to. But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he’d get to play when he became a senior. All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game, but remained a bench warmer all four years. His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of encouragement for him. When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a “walk-on.” Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did.

The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul into every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed. The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father. His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in the game. It was the end of his senior football season, and
as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game, the coach met him with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent. Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, “My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?” The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, “Take the rest of the week off, son. And don’t even plan to come back to the game on Saturday. Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well. In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his football gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful teammate back so soon. “Coach, please let me play. I’ve just got to play today,” said the young man. The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted his worst player in this close playoff game.

But the young man persisted, and finally feeling sorry for the kid, the coach gave in. “All right,” he said. “You can go in.” Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop him. He ran, he passed, blocked and tackled like a star. His team began to triumph. The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The fans broke loose. His teammates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you’ve never heard! Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered and left the locker room, the coach noticed that the young man was sitting quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, “Kid, I  can’t believe it. You were fantastic! Tell me what got into you? How did you do it?” He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, “Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?” The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, “Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it!”

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A Lesson In Heart

A lesson in “heart” is my little, 10 year old daughter, Sarah, who was born with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time.  She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in “field day”-that’s where they have lots of races and other competitive events. Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting this get her down-but before I could get a word out, she said, “Daddy, I won two of the races!  I couldn’t believe it!”  And then Sarah said, “I had an advantage.”  I knew it.  I thought she must have been given a head start … some kind of physical advantage.  But again, before I could say anything, she said, “Daddy, I didn’t get a head start.  My advantage was I had to try harder!”

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A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.  As the doctor looked in her ears and asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?” The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.  He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”  Again, the little girl was silent.  Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.  As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”  “Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”

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There is nothing more irritating than the annoyance of a good example

Mark Twain

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An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in December…(Hopefully, this is the kind of thing that happens frequently, everywhere…)

A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, “My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?”  “I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the boys reply.  The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel he quickly brought them to her.  She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet and dried them with a towel.  By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him.  She patted him on the head and said, “No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?”  As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: “Are you God’s Wife?

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Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord’s team was playing Satan’s team. The Lord’s team was at bat, the score was tied  zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love.

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails. The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love. The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass. Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws. The bases were loaded. The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Bob said “He sure doesn’t look like much!”

Satan’s whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!

The Lord’s team won. The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Bob answered that he did not know why. The Lord explained, “If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My Grace can get you home. My Grace is the one thing Satan cannot steal.

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More from The Wit of Steven Wright:

** If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
the taxi driver end up owing you money?
** What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
** If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
** Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
** When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
** Do fish get cramps after eating?
** Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
** Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
** Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
** If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
** When I erase a word with a eraser, where does it go?
** Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?
** Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
** How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
** If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?
** Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
** Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
** Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
** Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
** Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
** Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
** What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
** Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
** I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the
self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
** If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
** Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

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An article in National Geographic several years ago…

After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their
trek up a mountain to assess the inferno’s damage.  One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree.  Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick.

When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother’s wings.  The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise.  She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast.  Because she had been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live…

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;…”  (Psalm 91:4)

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THE RED ROSES

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.

And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows. The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door. The card said, “Be my Valentine”, like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, “I love you even more this year, than last year on this day. My love for you will always grow, with every passing year.”

She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear. She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away. He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face. She would sit for hours, in her husband’s favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate, with loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before, The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop. The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain, why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain? “I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,” The owner said, “I knew you’d call, and you would want to know. The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance. Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance. There is a standing order, that I have on file down here, And he has paid, well in advance, you’ll get them every year. There also is another thing, that I think you should know, He wrote a special little card…he did this years ago. Then, should ever I find out that he’s no longer here, that’s the card…that should be sent, to you the following year.”

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card. Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote…

“Hello my love, I know it’s been a year since I’ve been gone, I hope it hasn’t been too hard for you to overcome. I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel. The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife. You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. I know it’s only been a year, but please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years. When you get these roses, think of all the happiness, that we had together, and how both of us were blessed. I have always loved you and I know I always will. But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still. Please try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways. The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, when your door’s not answered, when the florist stops to knock. He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt, to take the roses to the place, where I’ve instructed him, and place the roses where we are, together once again.”

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can’t stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.

This is Forever Friendship.

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Just a good story with a good way of looking at life………..

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and was given 3 months to live.  As she begin getting her things “in order”, she called her pastor and asked for him to come to her house to discuss
certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she wanted read, and what dress she wanted to be buried in.  She also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible in her left hand.

Everything was in order and, as the pastor was preparing to leave, the woman suddenly remembered one final request that was very important to her. “Please Pastor, just one more thing”, she said excitedly. “Sure, What is it” came the pastor’s reply. “This is very important to me,” the woman continued…..”I want to be buried holding a fork in my right hand.” The pastor gazed at the woman, with a loss for words. “That surprises you, doesn’t it ?” the woman asked. The pastor replied “Well to be quite honest, I’m puzzled by the request.” The women explained. “You see, Pastor,  in all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I remember that when the dishes were being cleared after the main course, someone would inevitably lean over to me and say, ‘Keep your Fork’… it was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance to end the great meal”. The pastor listened intently and a smile came upon his face. The woman continued, “So, I just want people to see me there in the casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder….’What’s with the fork?’…Then I want you to tell them: “Keep your Fork……the best is yet to come.”

The pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye. He knew that this would be one of the last times that he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of Heaven then he did.  She KNEW and trusted that the best was yet to come.

At the funeral, everyone that walked by the woman’s casket saw her wearing a beautiful dress with her favorite Bible held in her left hand and a fork held in her right hand. Over and Over the pastor heard people ask the question, “Why is she holding a fork?” And his smile began to get larger and brighter each time. During his message, the pastor told the people about the conversation that he had visited with the woman shortly before she died.  He explained the fork and what it symbolized to her. The Pastor told everyone how he could not stop thinking about the fork and how he hoped that they would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

That fork and the meaning of it to the woman had quite the impact on everyone and they are still sharing the story with people they meet. And now it has been shared with you……so the next time you reach for your fork, let it remind you, oh so gently, that the best is yet to come…

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SOME GREAT SAYINGS:

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

Time is just God’s way to keep everything from happening at once.

HEADLINE: Police station toilet stolen….Cops have nothing to go on.

A “picture is worth a thousand words”…but it uses up a thousand times more of the memory in a computer

Be nice to your kids. They are going to pick your nursing home.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

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SOME CLEVER THOUGHTS….

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

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A TALE OF TWO COOKIES

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight
She hunted for a book in the airport shops.
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be.
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies and watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”

With each cookie she took, he took one too,
When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other,
She snatched it from him and thought… oooh, brother.
This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude,
Why he didn’t even show any gratitude!

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.

If mine are here, she moaned in despair,
The others were his, and he tried to share.
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

How many times in our lives,
have we absolutely known
that something was a certain way,
only to discover later that
what we believed to be true … was not??

Author Unknown

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Subject: E-mail from GOD

“Hi, as you got up this morning, I watched you and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday–but I noticed you were trying to find the right outfit to put on to wear to school. I waited again.

When you ran around the house getting ready I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were too busy.  At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet.  I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the telephone and called a friend to get the latest gossip.

I watched as you went to school and I waited patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me. I noticed at lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn’t bow your head.  You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn’t.  That’s O.K.

There was still more time left, and I have hope that you will talk to me yet you went home and it seems as if you had a million things to do. After a few of them were done you turned on the TV, I don’t know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of each day in front of it, not thinking about anything–just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal but again you didn’t talk to me.

At bedtime, I guess you were too tired.  After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time.  That’s okay because you may not realize that I am ALWAYS there for you.  I’ve got patience more than you will ever know.  I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well.  I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart.  It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up again and once again I will wait with nothing but love for you hoping that today you will give me some time.  Have a nice day!

Hope to hear from you soon!

LOVE,

Your friend,
GOD

PS: Do you have time to send this to another person?

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How to keep a healthy level of insanity….

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

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Signs That You’ve Had TOO MUCH Of The 90’s

** You try to enter your password on the microwave.

** You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

** You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he
e-mails you back “What’s for dinner?”

** Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

** You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

** You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for
your e-mail buddies via a web page.

** You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for
half the price you paid.

** The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase is foreign to you.

** Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

** You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

** Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

** You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

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A Story To Live By
by Ann Wells (Los Angeles Times)

My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister’s bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. “This,” he said, “is not a slip. This is lingerie.” He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip.

It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. “Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess
this is the occasion.” He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you’re alive is a special occasion.”

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister’s family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn’t seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special. I’m still thinking about his words, and they’ve changed my life. I’m reading more and dusting less. I’m sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I’m trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I’m not “saving” anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends. “Someday” and “one of these days” are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I’m not sure what my sister would’ve done had she known that she wouldn’t be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I’m guessing – I’ll never know. It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with – someday. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write – one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Everyday, every minute, every breath truly is… a gift from God.

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How To Talk About Men And Still Be Politically Correct

He does not have a beer gut,
— He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet,
— He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He does not get lost all the time,
— He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding,
— He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not short,
— He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not constantly talk about cars,
— He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He is not unsophisticated,
— He is Socially Challenged.

He does not hog the blankets,
— He is Thermally Unappreciative.
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QUESTION:  If you knew a woman who was pregnant, and she had 8 kids already, 3 were deaf, 2 were blind, one was mentally retarded, and the woman had syphilis…..would you recommend that she have an abortion?

If you did, you just killed Beethoven!
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The Power of Prayer…

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guarantied.”

The priest says, “Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!”

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms.  St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but shouldn’t the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn’t I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?”

St. Peter just laughs and says “The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!”

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IF…
If I knew it would be the last time that I’d see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep,

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I’d hear your voice lifted up in praise, I
would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after
day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say “I love you, instead of assuming, you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I’m sure you’ll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there’s always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say our “I love you’s”, And certainly there’s another chance to say our “Anything I can do’s?”

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I’d like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget, Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight..

So if you’re waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you’ll surely regret the day, That you didn’t
take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to
grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you’ll always hold them dear, Take time to say “I’m sorry,” “please forgive me,”  “thank you” or “it’s okay”.

And if tomorrow never comes, you’ll have no regrets about today.

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Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and going up the curb.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.  The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.  (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic.  Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down their throat and presto!  The blockage is almost instantly removed.

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TODAY

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important.  My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

* Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

* Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

* Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.

* Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

* Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

* Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

* Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

* Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

* Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body, and soul.

* Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped.

And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

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Life’s a Beautiful Thing

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road leading to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learning experiences. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Most importantly, if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.

Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.

Was it worth it?

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NATURAL HIGHS

Falling in love.
Laughing so hard your face hurts.
A hot shower.
No lines at the Super Walmart.
A special glance.
Getting mail.
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
Hot towels out of the dryer.
Walking out of your last final.
Finding the item you want is on sale for half price.
A chocolate milkshake.
A long distance phone call.
Getting invited to a dance.
A bubble bath.
Giggling.
A good conversation.
A care package.
A day at the beach.
Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
Laughing at yourself.
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
Running through sprinklers.
Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.
Laughing at an inside joke.
Friends.
Slumber parties.
Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
Your first kiss.
Being part of a team.
Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
Playing with a new puppy.
Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
Having someone play with your hair.
Sweet dreams.
Hot chocolate.
Road trips with friends.
Swinging on swings.
Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love.
Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
Song lyrics printed inside  your new CD so you can sing along without
feeling stupid.
Going to a really good concert.
Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person.
Winning a really competitive game.
Making chocolate chip cookies!
Having your friends send you homemade cookies!
Spending time with close friends!
Running through the fountains with your friends.
Riding a bike downhill.
The feeling after running a few miles–an accomplishment!
The feeling you get the first time you step on stage.
Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends…
Holding hands with someone you care about.
A back rub
Running into an old friend and realizing that some things never change.
Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
Hugging the person you love.
Watching the expression someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you.
Kisses on your forehead from the first and only person you have ever loved.
Watching the sunrise.
Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

Terry Longo

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LIFE’s A MESS…
When I was a little boy, my mother used to embroider a great deal.  I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing.  She informed me that she was embroidering.  I told her that it looked like a mess from where I was. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat.  She would smile at me, look down and gently say, “My son, you go about your playing for a while, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side.”  I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view.  A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother’s voice say, “Son, come and sit on my knee.”  This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or a sunset.  I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then Mother would say to me, “My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it.  Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing.” Many times through the years I have looked up to my Heavenly Father and said, “Father, what are You doing?” He has answered, “I am embroidering your life.” I say, “But it looks like a mess to me.  It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark.  Why can’t they all be bright?” The Father seems to tell me, “‘My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side.”

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His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.  One day, while trying to make out a living for his family, he  heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been  slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the  Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. “I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.” “No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel. “Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.
“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly. “I’ll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll grow to be a man you can be proud of.” And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming’s son graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in  London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years  afterward, the nobleman’s son  was stricken with pneumonia What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching. The star catcher grinned and whispered a plan, “I’ll catch all the stars that I possibly can. Then give them to all of my friends so they will
truly see How sparkling and special they are to me.” Like each individual star..Your friendship brightens my world.

It’s National Friendship Week. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their heart to us. Show your friends how much you care…Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.

Pass this on, and brighten someone’s day. Nothing will happen if you do not decide to pass it along. The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile (because of you).

Make someone smile, and let them know how special they are to you.

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