Quotes|Stories|Poems|Jokes (v3)

APRIL 1999

GREETINGS!!
LIFE’S DEEP THOUGHTS

(NOTE: Please send your ‘thoughts’ to me at: mbesh@ameritech.net)

And thanx for some of this month’s thoughts to:
Richard Bachman, Terry Besh and Bob Hart

*****************************
In the beginning, there was the computer.  And God entered:

C:\Let there be light!
Enter user ID
C:\God
Enter password
C:\Omniscient
Invalid password
Enter password
C:\Omnipotent

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:\Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command
C:\Create light
Done

C:\Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night.
And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
C:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\Create firmament
Done

C:\Run firmament
And God divided the waters.
And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
C:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and…
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:\Create dry_land
Done
C:\Run firmament
And God divided the waters.
And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
C:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\Create sun_moon_stars
Done
C:\Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
C:\Create fish
Done
C:\Create fowl
Done
C:\Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
C:\Create cattle
Done
C:\Create creepy_things
Done
C:\Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\Create man
Done
C:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Too many command operands. Try again.
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C:\Insert breath
Done
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\Move man to Garden of Eden
Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\Create Garden_of_Eden
Too many parameters
C:\Create Garden.edn
Done
C:\Move man to Garden.edn
Done
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:\Copy woman from man
Done
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\Create desire
Done
C:\Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\Create freewill
Done
C:\Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\Create good, evil
Done
C:\Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:\Ctrl_Break
C:\Ctrl_Break
C:\Ctrl_Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:  COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES
PLEASE LOG OFF

C:\Create new world
You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
C:\Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:\Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN***
SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

On Saturday, March 7, God rested.

On March 8, God created the Macintosh

*****************************
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do a “practice”?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do they put Braille on the ‘DRIVE THRU’ bank machines?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Desmond Walker

*****************************

There is nothing more irritating then the annoyance of a good example!
Mark Twain

Courage is fear that has said its prayers

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of advice.

Definition of a genius: A person who aims at something no one else can see and hits it!

Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It’s a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don’t have. It’s so simple–yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend.

An expert is a man who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

The trouble with some people today is that they are educated beyond their intelligence.

Keep in mind that the true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.
Ann Landers

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.
Japanese proverb

They who have conquered doubt and fear, have conquered failure!

A goal must be specific and just out of reach–a purpose for existence–make yourself accountable to life!

Where there is life, there is hope; and where there is hope, there is dreams; and where there are vivid dreams repeated, they become goals; and goals become the action plan for winners to dwell on, knowing that achievement is almost automatic when the goal becomes an inner commitment!!

Losers can be compared to ships without rudders–that with every shift of wind and tide are hopelessly adrift and fondly hope and dream they will drift into a successful port some day—they usually end up on the rocks or run aground—Winners take the time and discipline to decide on a  destination and chart a course–sail straight and far reaching one port after another and accomplishing more in a few years than losers do in an entire lifetime—Every successful sea captain knows his next port of call, even though he can’t ‘see’ it for 99% of his voyage, he knows what it is, where it is, and that baring an unforeseen tragedy, he will surely reach it if he does certain things in the same way, every day

*****************************
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Ryan, 5, and Steven, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'” Ryan turned to his younger brother and said, “Steven, you be Jesus.”

*****************************
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

*****************************
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”  “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

*****************************
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

*****************************
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end.  “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail,   Amen.

*****************************
When Sarah was four, her mother decided it was time to teach her how to cross the street safely. Hand-in-hand, they waited for a green light at the intersection. Staring at the road, Sarah asked, “Mommy, what are those white lines for?” “That marks where the pedestrians cross,” her mom replied. Confused, Sarah asked, “Then where do the Baptists cross?”

At the supermarket, a display of birdseed caught the eye of my preschooler. Curiously studying the display, he asked, “Daddy, can we buy some bird seeds so we can grow some birds?”

Sometime the distinction between Jews and Gentiles is difficult for young children to grasp. Strolling thru the mall one day Arielle asked out of the blue, “Dad, why didn’t God make us Jews?” Before I could answer, my 5 year old son Tyler said in a serious tone, “Because he made us reptiles, Arielle.” (Names have been changed to ‘protect’ the innocent)

*****************************

Ability is important-dependability is critical

You can be on the right road and still get run over if you are standing still

You can get EVERYTHING in life you want, if you help enough other people get what THEY WANT—-Canadian geese instinctively know the value of cooperation-they always fly in a ‘V’ formation because the lead goose crates a partial vacuum for the geese on his right and left, and so on…—they also regularly change leadership to get ‘new blood’ to break the wind—scientists have discovered in wind tunnel testing that the flock can fly 72% further than an individual goose can!!!—man, too, can fly higher, further, and faster by cooperating with, instead of flying against, his fellow man!

Worry is the misuse of imagination

Joy adds and multiplies as you divide it with others

The Chinese say it well: “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for the day; but if you teach him to fish, you feed him for LIFE!”

What you GET by reaching your goals IS NOT nearly as important as what you BECOME by reaching them!

What do you do when you are ‘hungry’—you first assume it is ‘physical’ and we eat food—-but most of us rarely ‘feed’ our minds—Wouldn’t it be marvelous if it could be arranged that an empty head, like an empty stomach, wouldn’t let the person rest until they put something into it!—successful people are positive, since these positive people are successful at deliberately feeding their minds with good, clean, powerful, and positive mental thoughts on a regular basis—-the average man spends about $200 per year and more time than he’ll admit, ‘dressing up’ the OUTSIDE of his head (haircuts, shaving, etc.)–I don’t think ANYONE knows what the average women spends!—Then doesn’t it make sense to spend AT LEAST this much ‘dressing up’ the INSIDE of your head?

You can lead a horse to drink, but you can’t make him drink-though if you let him lick the salt block long enough, he will get thirsty and WANT to drink!

Success occurs when opportunity meets preparation

Life is a grindstone-the ‘stuff’ you are made of will determine whether it grinds you down or polishes you up!

It is often difficult and requires a lot of fuel to get a train started, but once it’s moving, it requires considerably less fuel to keep it going!

If fear were a stone you could crack open, inside you would find buried a gem of indescribable worth and beauty-and that would be love
Segal

*****************************
A SUCCESSful personality is composed of:

Sense of direction
Understanding
Courage
Charity
Esteem
Self-confidence
Self-acceptance
…and if you does not read the ‘signposts’ and take proper corrective action, detour signs, dead-end streets, and the like will lead to FAILURE:

Frustration
Aggressiveness (misdirected)
Insecurity
Loneliness
Uncertainty
Resentment
Emptiness

*****************************

Leave retribution to God–in the meantime, forgive and forget–it is the only way you will be able to continually grow!

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
Zig Ziglar

REMEMBER that everything about you, everything you will ever own, know, or experience, operates as a result of the law of cause and effect—what a person sows, he reaps
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mental obsessions have physical manifestations

Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal

*****************************
A MAN FOUND A COCOON OF A BUTTERFLY.  ONE DAY HE SAW A SMALL OPENING IN THE COCOON.  HE SAT AND WATCHED THE BUTTERFLY FOR SEVERAL HOURS AS IT STRUGGLED TO FORCE ITS BODY THROUGH THAT LITTLE HOLE.

THEN IT SEEMED TO STOP MAKING ANY PROGRESS.  IT APPEARED AS IF IT HAD GOTTEN AS FAR AS IT COULD AND COULD GO NO FURTHER.  SO, THE MAN DECIDED TO HELP THE BUTTERFLY.  HE TOOK A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND SNIPPED OFF THE REMAINING BIT OF THE COCOON.  THE BUTTERFLY THEN EMERGED EASILY.  BUT, IT HAD A SWOLLEN BODY, AND SMALL SHRIVELED WINGS.  HE CONTINUED TO WATCH THE BUTTERFLY, BECAUSE HE EXPECTED THAT AT ANY MOMENT THE WINGS WOULD ENLARGE AND EXPAND TO SUPPORT THE BODY, WHICH WOULD CONTRACT IN TIME.  NEITHER HAPPENED!  IN FACT THE BUTTERFLY SPENT THE REST OF ITS LIFE CRAWLING AROUND WITH A SWOLLEN

BODY AND SHRIVELED WINGS.  IT WAS NEVER ABLE TO FLY.

WHAT HE HAD DONE IN HIS WELL INTENTIONED KINDNESS AND HASTE, HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND,  WAS THAT THE RESTRICTED  COCOON AND THE STRUGGLE REQUIRED TO GET THROUGH THE TINY OPENING WERE GOD’S WAY OF FORCING

FLUID FROM THE  BODY OF THE BUTTERFLY INTO IT’S WINGS SO THAT IT WOULD BE READY FOR FLIGHT ONCE IT ACHIEVED ITS FREEDOM FROM THE COCOON.

SOMETIMES, STRUGGLES ARE EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED IN OUR LIFE.  IF GOD ALLOWED US TO GO THROUGH OUR LIFE WITHOUT ANY OBSTACLES, IT WOULD CRIPPLE US.  WE WOULD NOT BE AS STRONG AS WE COULD HAVE BEEN… AND WE COULD NEVER FLY..

HAVE A GREAT DAY, A GREAT LIFE, AND STRUGGLE A LITTLE, THEN FLY!!!!!

*****************************

Hope you enjoyed some of these ‘insights’, and I would be interested in what has been happening in your life — so give me a call of send my an e-mail (mbesh@ameritech.net)

Mark
18APR99

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