Halloween|Thanksgiving [v21]

NOVEMBER 2000

GREETINGS — In a few days, the little ‘trick-or-treaters’ will enjoy dressing up as ‘someone’ else and running from house to house to get a free surprise—it’s great for kids (like me) to be able to ‘fantasize’ and enjoy creative make-believe if they know what the real intent and importance of the tradition is.

This tradition has gone through many changes from the probable origins of the celebration from the Celtic Festival circa 800 BC. It was a celebration dedicated to the recently completed harvest, and marked the beginning of the season of cold, darkness, and decay. They went door-to-door to collect food to donate to their gods. It honored “Samhain.” the Celtic god of death that allowed the souls of the dead to return to their earthly homes for this evening. It was a fire festival, with the townspeople taking an ember from the bonfire to their home to light the fire of their family hearth. It was usually carried in a turnip or gourd. Nervous about walking home in the dark among the “evil spirits,” they dressed up in costumes and carved scary faces in their ember holders to frighten away the spirits.

After the fall of the Celts to the Romans, two of the Roman autumn festivals were combined with the festival of Samhain. Many of these customs survived even after the people became Christians. In the 7th century, Pope Boniface IV created “All Saints Day,” since there were not enough days in the year to recognize the saints. It was originally called “All Hallows’ Eve,” which means “the evening before the saints day.” This is the tradition the Roman Catholics still celebrate today.

During the 1800’s a large number of immigrants arrived from Ireland and Scotland and introduced their ‘non-religious’ customs. During the mid-1900’s trick-or-treating became less popular in large cities, where neighbors did not know each other. Halloween pranks, which had once been harmless, now became rowdy and destructive. Recently, commercialism and “satanism” has turned it into a ‘holiday’ a long way from its ‘roots.’

Another holiday, Thanksgiving, also has seen a ‘change’ in its intent. Originally, it was in memory of the first settlers who came to begin this new society.

The Pilgrims set ground at Plymouth Rock on December 11, 1620. Their first winter was devastating. At the beginning of the following fall, they had lost 46 of the original 102 who sailed on the Mayflower. But the harvest of 1621 was a bountiful one. And the remaining colonists decided to celebrate with a feast–including 91 Indians who had helped the Pilgrims survive their first year. It is believed that the Pilgrims would not have made it through the year without the help of the natives.

Let’s give thanks for all that we have—the ‘comforts’ of living in America—especially here in Oakland County, MI, being one of the ‘richest’ counties in the country. The relative peace we have here, the abundance and variety of food we have available, and the ability to worship God without persecution or the threat of losing your life, as is the case in many countries.

Most importantly, let’s have an ‘attitude of gratitude’ for who we have in our lives, for they have been placed there by God to help us to develop a relationship with our ‘best friend’…Him.

Blessings….
Mark

LIFE’S DEEP THOUGHTS (v21) for NOVEMBER 2000
(NOTE: Please send your ‘thoughts’ to me at: mbesh@ameritech.net)

I am glad to organize and distribute more ‘stuff’ if y’all send it to me…
Thank you’s to:

Richard Bachman
Gene Besh
Bill Bishop
John Gibson
Michelle Jones
Cher’re Walters

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THANKSGIVING WEATHER FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

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THE ‘POWER’ OF ONE

At age of twenty-five, Sarah Josepha Buell married David Hale, a lawyer. Hale shared her enthusiasm for books and encouraged her to write. Every evening they would read or study together. Sarah learned French, Latin, geology, and botany–a new science in this country–from her husband.

When David died suddenly, Sarah was left with five children, the youngest born two weeks after his father’s death. Determined with God’s help to keep her family together, she opened a woman’s hat shop, always writing in spare moments.

She was able to publish a book of poetry, and her book, Northwood–the first American novel about slavery–was published in 1827. The book became a best seller and brought her to the attention of a publisher in Boston who wanted to start a “ladies magazine.” So, at the age of 40, Sarah Hale was hired for her first job and became the first woman editor in America.

From the beginning, she took her readers into her confidence. “Let no one think that I work for fame,” she wrote, “I work only to support and educate my five children.” She encouraged her readers to write to her, and they did. Subscriptions soared.

Mrs. Hale guided the tastes and fashions of women across America, even if they could do little more than look at the color pictures in the magazine. As a trusted friend, she encouraged women to learn to read and write and was a strong advocate against child labor. She advised proper feeding and hygiene for children at a time when five out of nine children died before they reached their teens.

One of her greatest desires was to restore a national day of Thanksgiving, when families could be together to thank God for their blessings. Of course, you know the story about the first Thanksgiving.

When George Washington was president, he tried to get a national Thanksgiving Day law passed, but his recommendation fell on deaf ears. So by the time Sarah Hale became editor of Ladies Magazine, Thanksgiving almost been forgotten.

Sarah Hale encouraged her readers to establish a special day for thanksgiving in their churches or communities. But she didn’t stop at that. She wrote letters to presidents, congressmen, and men in positions of power, urging them to “allow us a day of prayer and thanksgiving.”

Sarah Josepha Hale’s accomplishments were many. She was an early champion of elementary education for girls and boys, and she encouraged women to enter the fields of teaching and medicine. When ether was introduced in America in the 1840’s, Mrs. Hale educated her readers for its acceptance. She sent a writer to Niagara Falls to determine the safety of steam engines before she advised readers to ride the shiny rails.

The Bunker Hill monument and preservation of Mount Vernon owe their existence to Mrs. Hale. She sent out the first women medical missionaries.

But her greatest claim to fame is her untiring effort to have Thanksgiving Day accepted as a national holiday. Lincoln issued his Thanksgiving Proclamation in 1863.

Mrs. Hale died in 1879, having spent fifty years as a welcome visitor in American homes. She lived to see Thanksgiving Day well established. We can be thankful for women like Mrs. Hale, who lived her convictions, as we gather with family and friends for the holiday.

Proof that the strong convictions of one person can accomplish grand things.

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When told to write a paper with the title: ‘What I Am Grateful for on Thanksgiving Day’, a little boy wrote, “I am thankful I am not the turkey.”

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‘STUFFED’ TURKEY

The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air;
It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there’d never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance; it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn’t a way I could stop it; that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I’d never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn’t been popped!
[Author unknown]

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EULOGY FOR A VETERAN

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the Gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
[Author Unknown – Received from Michelle Jones]

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Itsdifficulttobeverycreativewithonlyfiftysevencharacters!

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
[Aiken’s Drum]

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“ASKABILITY”

I was thinking about a commercial I’ve been hearing on the radio.  A woman talks about all the things her daughter wanted to share with her in early childhood.  In puzzled amazement she asks, “So why didn’t she come to me the first time someone tried to pass her a joint?”  Good question and one that needs to be countered with another question. Are you sure you were an “askable” parent?

“Askability” has to be one of the most important components of communication because an “askable” parent is a trusted parent.  We aren’t born “askable.”  If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a home with parents who welcomed your questions, then you may well have learned the skill by observation.  Many of us grew up in a world where the prevailing philosophy was “Children are to be seen and not heard.” Parents never thought it was important be “askable.”  We weren’t considered old enough, wise enough or mature enough to even ask intelligent questions and our opinions were even more suspect.

Children often found themselves continually rebuffed by such statements as “You’ll understand it better when you get older;” “I’m busy right now and I don’t have time for such foolishness;”  “Don’t worry about things like that, they aren’t important; and “I don’t know why don’t you go ask your mother?”   So who did they ask?  Usually, they asked their peers.  Do you ever wonder why some children  are so heavily influenced by their peers?  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out.  They are “askable.”

We deter “askabilty” when we

1. belittle.
2. ridicule.
3. condescend.
4. ignore.
5. reject.
6. discourage.
7. avoid.

We encourage “askability” when we

1. listen.
2. encourage.
3. praise.
4. understand.
5. assist.
6. accept
7. share
[Norman Bales]

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An optimist is one who sees an opportunity in every difficulty — a pessimist is one who sees a difficulty in every opportunity.
[Received from Gene Besh]

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To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge
[Benjamin Disraeli]

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“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.”
(Monta Crane]

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WORLD IDEOLOGIES AS EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS

FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government
gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need.” Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM
You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, Bob Costas narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald’s buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

And……If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
[Mike Atkinson]

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When we were kids, ten cents was big money. How dimes have changed!

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A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.
“Are you hiring any help?” she asked.

“No,” he said. “We already have all the staff we need.”

“Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?” she asked.

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Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves.

Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

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Is there an exception to the rule that states, “There is an exception to every rule”?
[Mike Atkinson]

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WORDS TO LIVE BY

– Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!
– A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
– I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn’t allowed to talk to strangers.
– I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself.
– Mountaintop Glue-Ru: “Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out! Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself!”
– I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
– Welcome to Megacomputer’s 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.
– Whenever I’m in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.
[Received from Richard Bachman]

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Try not to become a man of success, but rather a man of virtue
[Albert Einstein]

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“I wish for you…”
Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Gentle hugs when spirits sag,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Faith so that you can believe,
Courage to know yourself, and
Patience to accept the truth.
[Received from Cher’re Walters]

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REFRAMING

When two freight trains collided, a young man by the name of George Westinghouse designed a way to avoid a repetition of the accident.

When George explained his idea, railroad executives agreed with Commodore Vanderbilt who exclaimed, “Do you mean to tell me that you expect to stop a train with wind? I have no time to waste on . . .fools!”

Westinghouse was aware of the problem. If the air failed there was no way to stop the train. But what he did was change his framework of reference. He designed heavy springs to hold the train brakes on all the time and an air system to hold the brakes off. If the air failed, the brakes would automatically engage and stop the train.

By looking at the problem from a different viewpoint, Westinghouse perfected the air brake — a system that was adopted by the entire industry.

As the saying goes, “If we keep doing what we’ve always done, we’ll keep getting what we’ve always got, and we’ll keep feeling what we’ve always felt.”

In other words, if we want to bring about change in our personal life, in our family, in our business, in our church, or in our nation, we need to look at things
differently and be prepared to make changes — sometimes drastic changes! Because without change nothing ever changes.

Dear God, “What things in my life do I need to look at differently and what changes do I need to make today that will make my life more effective tomorrow?
[Dick Innes]

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Bob looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods.  Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway.  But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.  When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.

“You look like a golfer.  Are you any good?”

Bob replies, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

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JUST CURIOUS…

1. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
3. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
4. What do chickens think we taste like?
5. What do people in China call their good plates?
6. What do you call a male ladybug?
7. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
8. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
9. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
10. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
11. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
12. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
13. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
14. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
15. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
16. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
17. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
18. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
19. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
20. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it =
have locks on the door?
21. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
22. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? =
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
23. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what =
does a freedom fighter fight?
24. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
25. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
26. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your =
headlights on, what happens?
27. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
28. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called =
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?
29. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
30. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
31. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
32. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
33. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
[Received from Cher’re Walters]

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CHEER UP!

* The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund.
* They say the house didn’t float very far at all.
* When your houseboat settled to the bottom, at least it landed upright. The
Coast Guard says the water is clear enough you can still see the radar dome.
* Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
* The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
* The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.
* Jenny Jones wants you for this “secret admirer show.”
* The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
* At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.
* The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T-Bird.
* The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
* Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don’t worry about it.
* The boss said while you’re sick, he’d do all your work personally.
* Your new helicopter can’t fly.  The mechanic says it can’t fly because it’s upside down. The pilot says it can’t fly because it’s under water.
[Source: A Joke A Day Ministries]

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ONE LINERS

– Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
– Editing is a rewording activity
– Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
– It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
– Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
– I before E except after C. We use a weird language!
– Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
[Aiken’s Drum]

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ATTITUDE
Correspond the letters in the word “ATTITUDE” with the number of the letter as it appears in the alphabet (A = 1, B = 2, etc.), then add the numbers together …

A              1
T            20
T            20
I               9
T            20
U            21
D             4
E             5
___
100

Attitude is 100%

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The greatest tragedy that can ever befall a human being is to have eyes and still not see.
[Helen Keller]

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THOUGHTS

– A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
– Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without spilling some on yourself.
– Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others do whenever they go.
– Attitude determines your altitude.
– Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others can’t keep it from themselves.
– There is nothing wrong with people possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess people.
– A true friend is one who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re half-cracked.
– The bubbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.
– The most tragic thing of life is not death, it is to live without living.
– “Work can wait while you show a child the rainbow. The rainbow won’t wait while you do the work.”
[Received from Aiken’s Drum]

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TURNING PROBLEMS INTO OPPORTUNITIES

According to Edward Chinn, the ‘Woody Woodpecker’ cartoon started life as a problem for honeymooners? Grace and Walter Lantz rented a rustic wooden cabin in the forest for their honeymoon. At the first dawn there, a woodpecker started its pounding on the roof. The newlyweds couldn’t sleep for the noise. With humor, they heard it day after day. By the time they returned from their honeymoon, they were inspired to create a cartoon character, ‘Woody Woodpecker’. Walter drew the pictures. Gracie became Woody’s voice. Years later, at their 50th wedding anniversary, Grace remembered the problem of the noisy woodpecker and said, “It was the best thing that ever happened to us.”

In 1859, a Brooklyn chemist traveled to Titusville, Pennsylvania, to watch the drilling for oil. He was Robert Chesebrough, who watched as the oil drillers cursed a colorless oily residue that stuck to their drills. Though it was a problem that gummed up the works, the oil workers smeared this stuff on their cuts and burns. It helped to heal. Chesebrough took this oily residue back to Brooklyn. By 1870, he was manufacturing what he had developed from that oily problem. He called it Vaseline Petroleum Jelly.

A problem gives your life a jolt and knocks you off your accustomed track. The jolt, however, can send you spinning off in a new and better direction. In this way, a problem can become an opportunity.
[Dick Innes]

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Let’s face it English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault — the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.

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THE PRESENT

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
And today? Today is a gift.
That’s why we call it The Present.
[Babatunde Olatunji]

The passing moment is all that we can be sure of; it is only common
sense to extract its utmost value from it; the future will one day be
the present and will seem as unimportant as the present does now.
[W Somerset Maugham]

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PROVEN WAYS TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE

1.  Before you say anything to anyone, ask yourself 3 things:

– Is it true?
– Is it kind?
– Is it necessary?

2.  Make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully.

3.  Never miss the opportunity to compliment or say something encouraging to someone.

4.  Refuse to talk negatively about others; don’t gossip and don’t listen to gossip.

5.  Have a forgiving view of people.  Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

6.  Keep an open mind; discuss, but don’t argue.  (It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable.)

7.  Forget about counting to 10.  Count to 1,000 before doing or saying anything that could make matters worse.

8.  Let your virtues speak for themselves.

9.  If someone criticizes you, see if there is any TRUTH to what he is saying; if so, make changes.  If there is no truth to the criticism, ignore it and live so that no one will believe the negative remark.

10. Cultivate your sense of humor; laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

11. Do not seek so much to be consoled, as to console; do not seek so much to be understood, as to understand; do not seek so much to be loved as to love.
[Taken from “The Funnies”]

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I t ink s met ing is w ong wi h my k ybo rd

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Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

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Something to Ponder: Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
[Jeff Lilley]

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An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.”
[H. L. Mencken]

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
[Anonymous]

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Samson killed a thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass; everyday friendships are killed with the same weapon.
[Ann Landers]

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If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
[Milton Berle]

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SLIP OF THE…..MIND

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can’t help but cry.  I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey, pop singer

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” – Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” – Former Australian cabinet minister, Keppel Enderbery

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” – Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” – Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“They’re multi-purpose.  Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” – Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia.  It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” – Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
[Received from Bill Bishop]

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Keep your eye on the ball, your nose to the grindstone, and your shoulder to the wheel. If you can work in that position, you’re a better person than I am.

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It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
[Mark Twain]

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FIVE BALLS

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work – Family – Health – Friends – Spirit, and you’re keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls — family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.

They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?

1. Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
2. Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
3. Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
4. Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.
5. Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
6. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us together.
7. Don’t be afraid to encounter risks It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
8. Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it’s impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
9. Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you’ve been, but also where you are going.
10. Don’t forget that a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
11. Don’t be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
12. Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
[From Inspiretoday]

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They told me I was gullible. I believed them.

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MARKETING ‘SPIN’

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.  The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just “how” the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”

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OPPORTUNITY

Many people have wonderful opportunities surrounding them but do not see them. They are like Ali Hafed, the Persian (Iranian) farmer, who sold his fertile farm and traveled over the world in an unsuccessful search for diamonds. He finally died in poverty and despair in a distant land while, in the meantime, the famed diamond beds of Golconda had been discovered on his abandoned farm.
[Source unknown]

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My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.  Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.  As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.  Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.  Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison!  Stop that!”

“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

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A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly. “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied…..”What do you mean, you “know” what the Bible means?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…….
It stands for “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.”

(It so happens to be a song from the group “Burlap To Cashmere,” from their album “Anybody Out There?”)

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The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'” “Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
[Source unknown]

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The real art  of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong  thing at the tempting moment.
Dorothy Nevill]

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I remember when I met you,
and I knew that it was love,
the fuel for my hearts commitment,
were just things that I dream’t of.

My inside light shown brightly,
with the flipping of a switch,
and the sweetness of our loving,
so full, so clear, so rich.

My heart is always with you,
just as light is from sunbeams.
Dwarfing all the shadows,
illuminating all things.

You awoke in me the feelings,
I thought were lost in childhood.
The simple act of seeing,
that life is full of good

I love you for the way you see,
the goodness in His ways,
the silver linings in His clouds
that seemed lost on my cloudy days.

The old man in the shadow,
with his chin down on his chest,
seemed to wake up at your presence,
your aura inflecting zest.

I stand in awe of that influence,
Gods gift from you to me,
and try to do it justice,
I’d forgotten it was free.

I had those feelings when I was small,
they disappeared somewhere,
but with your gentle, loving touch,
I remembered how to care

Here’s me trying to save you,
from all the bad things that could be.
And didn’t see the forest,
But saw one single tree.

I could go on for some time,
of your goodness, sweetness and such,
of things that made a tear swell up,
and made me love you so much.

You have so many qualities,
that all should emulate.
Gods brightest star up in the sky,
seems to be your fate.

My wish for you, is also prayed,
and I leave it at your door.
Please God let me be her one,
please let us love once more.
[Author: “Bob”]

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Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal

*****************************
URGENT ADVISORY

From: The Michigan Department of Fish and Wildlife

The Michigan State Department of Fish and Wild Life is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and even golfers to take extra precaution and keep alert for dramatically increased numbers of both brown and black bears while in the Cadillac, Kalkaska and Tawas areas in the Lower Peninsula and the Houghton, Ishpeming and Escanaba areas of the Upper Peninsula.

The department is urgently advising people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing so as to alert but not startle the bears by meeting unexpectedly.  As an added safety precaution, outdoor activists are urged to carry a can of pepper spray in case of a close encounter with a bear.

The department urges everyone to watch for fresh signs of bear activity whenever they are outdoors in remote areas. People should learn to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.  Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel or rabbit fur.  Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
[Received from John Gibson]

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Life is a cycle;
Spring follows winter,
Winter follows autumn,
Autumn follows summer,
Summer follows spring,
Sunshine follows rain,
Calm follows storms,
Morning follows night —
Always!
[Dick Innes]

*****************************
TODAY

Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday
And today was such a lovely day, that I wondered why I worried about today yesterday

So today I am not going to worry about tomorrow
There may not be a tomorrow anyway
So today I am going to live as if there is no tomorrow
And I am going to forget about yesterday.

Today is the tomorrow I planned for yesterday
And nearly all my plans for today did not plan out the way I thought they would yesterday
So today I am forgetting about tomorrow and I will plan for today
But not too strenuously

Today I will stop to smell a rose
I will tell a loved one how much I love her
I will stop planning for tomorrow and plan to make today the best day of my life.
Today is the tomorrow I was afraid of yesterday

And today was nothing to be afraid of
So today I will banish fear of the unknown
I will embrace the unknown as a learning experience full of exciting opportunities

Today, unlike yesterday I will not fear tomorrow.
Today is the tomorrow I dreamed about yesterday
And some of the dreams I dreamt about yesterday came true today
So today I am going to continue dreaming about tomorrow
And perhaps more of the dreams I dream today will come true tomorrow.

Today is the tomorrow I set goals for yesterday
And I reached some of those goals today
So today I am going to set slightly higher goals for today and tomorrow
And if tomorrow turns out to be like today
I will certainly reach all of my goals one day!

*****************************
TRUE QUOTES ABOUT SCIENCE FROM KIDS

– You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
– When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
– Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
– Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
– We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
– I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
– In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

*****************************
There ARE names that hurt much more than sticks and stones.

All the darkness in the world cannot put out the light of one small candle.

*****************************
THE FORGOTTEN 10 “OTHER” COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes.  You can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems.  They can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.  Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own.  It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
9. Thou shall not become “bogged down” by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

*****************************
A brief lesson in music can be related to life: B-sharp; never B flat; always B natural.

*****************************
Building boys is better than mending men.
[Anonymous]

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Symbiosis is a partnership between two organisms who join together for mutual benefit. The dictionary says that symbiosis is “the living together in intimate association of two dissimilar animals, plants, or an animal and plant in an association advantageous, or often necessary to one or both….”

Symbiosis is a beautiful illustration of the church. In the body of believers we should have members living in a mutual sharing situation.
[Robert J. Baker]

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The Sunday school teacher asked, “Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” Little Johnny replied, “I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook!”

*****************************
WORRY
Worry is the advance interest you pay on troubles that seldom come.
[Anonymous]

Worry, like a rocking chair, will give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.
[Vance Havner]

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An adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered…an inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.
[G K Chesterton]

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“SMILEYS”

_O-)   = Aquanaut

:=8)   = Baboon

cl:=   = Charlie Chaplin

C=:-)   = Chef

(-:   = Left-handed smiley

8:-)   = Little girl

:-?   = Pipe smoker

P-)   = Pirate

(:)-)   = Scuba diver

8-)   = Swimmer

=I:-)=   = Uncle Sam

[:-)   = Wearing a Walkman

…and if you combine a lot of them….

o
o^\^o
o\*`’.\|/.’`*/o
\\\\\\\\\\\|//////////
{><><>@<><><}
}}}  _    _  {{{
}}}}  6     6  {{{
{{{{{     ^     }}}}}
{{{{{{\   -=-   /}}}}}}
{{{{{{{;.__ _.;}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{)     (}}}}}}}’
`””‘”‘:    :'”‘”‘`
. .
`@`

*****************************
Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

*****************************
Stuart Briscoe said, “The same sun that melts wax hardens clay.” In the same way God’s discipline hardens some people and they become bitter; in others it produces gentleness, a loving spirit, growth and maturity — so we become as a beautiful diamond. God’s will is the latter but with his help, the responsibility to get there is ours.
[Dick Innes]

*****************************
HEAVEN AND HELL

A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, “Come, I will show you hell.”

They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.

“Come, now I will show you heaven,” the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first – the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.

“I don’t understand,” said the man. “Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?”

The Lord smiled, “Ah, it is simple,” he said. “here they have learned to feed each other.”
[Ann Landers]

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DEEP THOUGHTS:
– If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

– What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

*****************************
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Hope you enjoyed some of these insights—share them with your friends and colleagues—so we can have a larger ‘pool’ to receive from, and more to share with!

Also, remember to include your name as the “source,” if some of this wisdom is of your doing—I would like to give credit where credit is due!

In the secret, in the quiet place, in the stillness, you are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait, only for you,
‘Cause I want to know you more.

I want to know you, I want to hear your voice, I want to know you more.
I want to touch you, I want to see your face, I want to know you more.

I am reaching for the highest goal that I might receive the prize.
Pressing onward, pushing every hinderance aside, out of my way,
‘Cause I want to know you more.

Mark

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Disclaimer: All the above jokes & inspirations are obtained from various sources and copyright are used when known. Other than our name and headers, we do not own the copyright to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the ministry of God’s love and cheerfulness throughout the world.

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