Quotes|Stories|Thoughts|Wit (v5)

AUGUST 1999

GREETINGS — The weather this summer has been glorious (in Michigan), a great time for the kids to have a lot of fun with each other. But sometimes all the freedom is too much without some meaningful and relevant ‘structure’ and ‘depth’. I am reminded of a verse of Scripture that addresses childhood. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it [Proverbs 22:6]. Remember that they will not ask you for it, but they long to spend time with you–a golden opportunity to create a ‘memory’ and pass on meaningful values to build their life on. Who knows, you just may learn something from the experience.
Blessings….
Mark

LIFE’S DEEP THOUGHTS (v5) for AUGUST 1999
(NOTE: Please send your ‘thoughts’ to me at: mbesh@ameritech.net)

Thanx for some of this edition’s material goes to:
Richard Bachman, Terry Longo, Bob Hart and John Waskin

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AEROBICS FOR YOUR BRAIN
(Enjoy these brain teasers. See answers below.)
1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of
newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping off the
newspaper?
2. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship.  The rungs are one foot
apart and the ladder is 12 feet long.  The tide is rising at four inches an
hour.  How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are
underwater?
3. What would you rather have? A gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full with dimes?
4. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand.  All
together, how many will they have?
5. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?
6. If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be
President?
7. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and, without hitting
a wall or any other obstruction, have the ball stop and come right back to
you?
8. According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is
punishable, but actually committing the crime is not.  What is the crime?
9. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:
PNLLEEEESSSSS
10. How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?
11. If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?
12. If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet
without breaking the egg?

(Answers at the end)

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More from The Wit of Steven Wright:

** If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
the taxi driver end up owing you money?
** What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
** If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
** Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
** When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
** Do fish get cramps after eating?
** Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
** Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
** Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
** If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
** When I erase a word with a eraser, where does it go?
** Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?
** Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
** How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
** If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?
** Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?
** Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
** Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
** Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
** Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
** Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
** What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
** Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
** I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the
self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
** If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
** Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

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Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord’s team was playing Satan’s team. The Lord’s team was at bat, the score was tied  zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love.

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails. The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love. The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass. Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws. The bases were loaded. The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Bob said “He sure doesn’t look like much!”

Satan’s whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!

The Lord’s team won. The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love,
Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Bob answered that he did not know why. The Lord explained, “If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My Grace can get you home. My Grace is the one thing Satan cannot steal.

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THE RED ROSES

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.

And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows. The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door. The card said, “Be my Valentine”, like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, “I love you even more this year, than last year on this day. My love for you will always grow, with every passing year.”

She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear. She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away. He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face. She would sit for hours, in her husband’s favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate, with loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before, The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop. The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain, why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain? “I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,” The owner said, “I knew you’d call, and you would want to know. The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance. Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance. There is a standing order, that I have on file down here, And he has paid, well in advance, you’ll get them every year. There also is another thing, that I think you should know, He wrote a special little card…he did this years ago. Then, should ever I find out that he’s no longer here, that’s the card…that should be sent, to you the following year.”

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card. Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote…

“Hello my love, I know it’s been a year since I’ve been gone, I hope it hasn’t been too hard for you to overcome. I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel. The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife. You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. I know it’s only been a year, but please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years. When you get these roses, think of all the happiness, that we had together, and how both of us were blessed. I have always loved you and I know I always will. But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still. Please try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways. The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, when your door’s not answered, when the florist stops to knock. He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt, to take the roses to the place, where I’ve instructed him, and place the roses where we are, together once again.”

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can’t stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.

This is Forever Friendship.

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Just a good story with a good way of looking at life………..

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and was given 3 months to live.  As she begin getting her things “in order”, she called her pastor and asked for him to come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she wanted read, and what dress she wanted to be buried in.  She also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible in her left hand.

Everything was in order and, as the pastor was preparing to leave, the woman suddenly remembered one final request that was very important to her. “Please Pastor, just one more thing”, she said excitedly. “Sure, What is it” came the pastor’s reply. “This is very important to me,” the woman continued…..”I want to be buried holding a fork in my right hand.”

The pastor gazed at the woman, with a loss for words. “That surprises you, doesn’t it ?” the woman asked. The pastor replied “Well to be quite honest, I’m puzzled by the request.” The women explained. “You see, Pastor,  in all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I remember that when the dishes were being cleared after the main course, someone would inevitably lean over to me and say, ‘Keep your Fork’… it was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance to end the great meal”. The pastor listened intently and a smile came upon his face. The woman continued, “So, I just want people to see me there in the casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder….’What’s with the fork?’…Then I want you to tell them: “Keep your Fork……the best is yet to come.”

The pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye. He knew that this would be one of the last times that he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of Heaven then he did.  She KNEW and trusted that the best was yet to come.

At the funeral, everyone that walked by the woman’s casket saw her wearing a beautiful dress with her favorite Bible held in her left hand and a fork held in her right hand. Over and Over the pastor heard people ask the question, “Why is she holding a fork?” And his smile began to get larger and brighter each time. During his message, the pastor told the people about the conversation that he had visited with the woman shortly before she died.  He explained the fork and what it symbolized to her. The Pastor told everyone how he could not stop thinking about the fork and how he hoped that they would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

That fork and the meaning of it to the woman had quite the impact on everyone and they are still sharing the story with people they meet. And now it has been shared with you……so the next time you reach for your fork, let it remind you, oh so gently, that the best is yet to come…

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SOME GREAT SAYINGS:

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

Time is just God’s way to keep everything from happening at once.

HEADLINE: Police station toilet stolen….Cops have nothing to go on.

A “picture is worth a thousand words”…but it uses up a thousand times more of the memory in a computer

Be nice to your kids. They are going to pick your nursing home.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

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SOME CLEVER THOUGHTS….

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

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How to keep a healthy level of insanity….

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

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THE MASTER’S HAND

Wishing to encourage her young son’s progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked “NO ADMITTANCE.”

When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”

At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy’s ear, “Don’t quit. Keep playing.” Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was mesmerized.

That’s the way it is with our Heavenly Father. What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren’t exactly graceful, flowing music. But with the hand of the Master, our life’s work truly can be beautiful.

Next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You can hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, “Don’t quit. Keep playing.” Feel His loving arms around you. Know that His strong hands are there helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces. Remember, God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called. And He’ll always be there to love and guide you on to great things.

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Signs That You’ve Had TOO MUCH Of The 90’s

** You try to enter your password on the microwave.

** You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

** You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he
e-mails you back “What’s for dinner?”

** Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

** You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

** You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for
your e-mail buddies via a web page.

** You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for
half the price you paid.

** The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase is foreign to you.

** Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

** You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

** Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

** You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

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IF…
If I knew it would be the last time that I’d see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep,

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I’d hear your voice lifted up in praise, I
would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after
day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say “I love you, instead of assuming, you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I’m sure you’ll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there’s always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say our “I love you’s”, And certainly there’s another chance to say our “Anything I can do’s?”

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I’d like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget, Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight..

So if you’re waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you’ll surely regret the day, That you didn’t
take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to
grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you’ll always hold them dear, Take time to say “I’m sorry,” “please forgive me,”  “thank you” or “it’s okay”.

And if tomorrow never comes, you’ll have no regrets about today.

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Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and going up the curb.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.  The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.  (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic.  Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down their throat and presto!  The blockage is almost instantly removed.

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NATURAL HIGHS

*Falling in love.
*Laughing so hard your face hurts.
*A hot shower.
*No lines at the Super Walmart.
*A special glance.
*Getting mail.
*Taking a drive on a pretty road.
*Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
*Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
*Hot towels out of the dryer.
*Walking out of your last final.
*Finding the item you want is on sale for half price.
*A chocolate milkshake.
*A long distance phone call.
*Getting invited to a dance.
*A bubble bath.
*Giggling.
*A good conversation.
*A care package.
*A day at the beach.
*Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
*Laughing at yourself.
*Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
*Running through sprinklers.
*Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
*Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.
*Laughing at an inside joke.
*Friends.
*Slumber parties.
*Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
*Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
*Your first kiss.
*Being part of a team.
*Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
*Playing with a new puppy.
*Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
*Having someone play with your hair.
*Sweet dreams.
*Hot chocolate.
*Road trips with friends.
*Swinging on swings.
*Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love.
*Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
*Song lyrics printed inside  your new CD so you can sing along without
feeling stupid.
*Going to a really good concert.
*Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person.
*Winning a really competitive game.
*Making chocolate chip cookies!
*Having your friends send you homemade cookies!
*Spending time with close friends!
*Running through the fountains with your friends.
*Riding a bike downhill.
*The feeling after running a few miles–an accomplishment!
*The feeling you get the first time you step on stage.
*Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends…
*Holding hands with someone you care about.
*A back rub
*Running into an old friend and realizing that some things never change.
*Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
*Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
*Hugging the person you love.
*Watching the expression someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you.
*Kisses on your forehead from the first and only person you have ever loved.
*Watching the sunrise.
*Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

Terry Longo

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Who Will Take The Son

A wealthy man and  his son loved to collect rare works of art.  They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They  would often sit together  and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son  went to war.  He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just  before Christmas, there was a knock at  the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.   He said, “Sir,  you don’t know me, but I am the soldier for whom  your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.

The young man held out his package. “I know this isn’t much. I’m not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.”

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the  young man. He stared in awe at the way  the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.

“Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It’s a gift.”

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.  On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel.

“We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?”  There was silence. Then a voice in the  back of the room shouted. “We want to  see the famous paintings. Skip this one.” But the auctioneer persisted. “Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding?  $100, $200?” Another voice shouted angrily. “We didn’t come to see this painting.  We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!” But still  the auctioneer continued. “The son!  The son! Who’ll take the son?”

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room.  It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. “I’ll give $10 for the painting.”

Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. “We have  $10, who will bid $20?” “Give it to him for $10. Let’s see the masters.” “$10 is the bid, won’t someone bid $20?” The crowd was becoming angry.  They didn’t want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments  for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. “Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!”

A man sitting on the second row shouted. “Now let’s get on with the collection!”

The auctioneer laid down  his gavel. “I’m sorry, the auction is over.”   “What about the paintings?”  “I am sorry.  When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret  stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets every thing!”

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is, “The son, the son, who’ll take the son?” Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

Author Unknown

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Coping With Life When You Can’t Even Program Your VCR….

You know it is going to be a bad day when…
* You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
* The sun comes up in the west.
* Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
* You jump out of bed in the morning, and you miss the floor.
* The bird singing outside your bedroom window is a buzzard.
* You wake up in the morning, and your dentures are locked together.
* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
* You call your answering service, and they tell you its none of your business.
* Your income tax check bounces.
* The Suicide Prevention Hotline puts you on hold.
* Your pacemaker is recalled by the manufacturer.

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From “The Seven Spiritual Secrets of Success”

“I know of the fantastic power of a goal well-chosen, the reality of success properly envisioned, the creativity of minds and hearts joined in prayer, and the certainty of unexpected help in the darkest hour for those who believed [in Christ].”

Richard Gaylord Briley

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BREAKING THE BONDS

As the general manager of a hotel and restaurant, I had booked a group of young adults from an assisted living facility taking a trip. The coordinator of the group assured me they would have plenty of chaperones and helpers, but asked if we had a private dining room where the challenged travelers could eat.  He explained that some of them had to be fed and often made a mess. It was obvious he was as concerned about our regular diners as well as his own charges. We were able to accommodate his request.

On the day they arrived, I had planned to have two of my best waitress’s wait on these guests. One had a brother who was mentally  challenged and the other was a college student majoring in special education. I felt proud of myself for having selected special help and  arranging the tables to provide plenty of space for wheel chairs and unsteady walkers.

Our guests arrived with their assistants, many of whom were family members. I pitched in to make sure everyone was taken care of including offering to cut up meal portions for some of the struggling guests who did not have someone to help out. I joked with some of the people and was enjoying these very special young adults.

While walking around re-filling drinks, one young man named John was sitting with his father.  John’s father said, “John, tell Mr. Hartz where you work.”

John said, “I,  I,  I, work at McDonalds on weekends!  I go to work
early and sweep and clean.  I,  I,  I’m the best sweeper there!”

John’s father encouraged him to tell me more and John said, “I get paid and
everything!” happy to share his accomplishments.

What struck me beyond John’s enthusiasm for his work was the look in his father’s eyes.

John’s father was beaming with pride. It was as if his son was telling me about the prestigious law firm he had just joined after graduating at the top of his law class from Harvard. Here was a young man with a crippling problem that would always keep his childlike mind and whose future was so much more limited than most children. But his father had seen John break those bonds and accomplish much more than might have been expected.

I was looking into eyes filled with pure love and joy. John’s father had given him a chance to be productive.  He lived alone in the assisted living facility. He didn’t just exist, he lived.

My prayers now include John and his father and all the folks at his assisted living facility and the restaurant where John works.

An event that I had attempted to make go smoothly for the guests, turned out to be a rewarding experience for me where I learned about true love.

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LETTERS TO GOD FROM KIDS

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday.  That was cool. -Eugene

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have? -Jane

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.  It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do.  Who does it when you are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible.  What does “beget” mean?  Nobody will tell me. -Love, Alison

Dear GOD, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.  Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD, Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!  He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.  Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday?  I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.  -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony.  I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.  -Bruce

Dear GOD, If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give you anything You want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat.  You should give him a tail.  Ha Ha, -Danny

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, You don’t have to worry about me.  I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.  -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I’m not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in Sunday school they said You did it.  So I bet he stole your idea. -Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah – “You made an ark on dry land you fool.”  But he was smart, he stuck with You.  That’s what I would do. -Eddie

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”  Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”  Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”  Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

“Both don’t want no more kids.”  Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”  Curt, age 7

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them.”  Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”  Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”  Ricky, age 10

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Reader’s Digest version of the Bible:

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split,

Joseph ruled, Jacob fooled, Bush talked, Moses balked,

Pharaoh plagued, people walked, sea divided, tablets guided,

Promise landed, Saul freaked, David peeked,

Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, love talked,

Anger crucified, hope died,  Love rose, Spirit flamed,

Word spread, God remained.

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Brownies with a Difference

Many parents are hard pressed to explain to their youth why some music, movies, books, and magazines are not acceptable material for them to bring into the home or to listen to or see. One parent came up with an original idea that is hard to refute.

The father listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular PG-13 movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13 because of the suggestion of sex–they never really showed it. The language was pretty good–the Lord’s name was only used in vain three times in the whole movie.

The teens did admit there was a scene where a building and a bunch of people were blown up, but the violence was just the normal stuff. It wasn’t too bad. And, even if there were a few minor things, the special effects were fabulous and the plot was action packed.

However, even with all the justifications the teens made for the ’13’ rating, the father still wouldn’t give in. He didn’t even give his children a satisfactory explanation for saying, “No.” He just said, “No!”

A little later on that evening the father asked his teens if they would like some brownies he had baked. He explained that he’d taken the family’s favorite recipe and added a little something new. The children asked what it was.

The father calmly replied that he had added dog poop. However, he quickly assured them, it was only a little bit. All other ingredients were gourmet quality and he had taken great care to bake the brownies at the precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb.

Even with their father’s promise that the brownies were of almost perfect quality, the teens would not take any. The father acted surprised. After all, it was only one small part that was causing them to be so stubborn. He was certain they would hardly notice it. Still the teens held firm and would not try the brownies.

The father then told his children how the movie they wanted to see was just like the brownies. Satan tries to enter our minds and our homes by deceiving us into believing that just a little bit of evil won’t matter. But, the truth is even a little bit of poop makes the difference between a great treat and something disgusting and totally unacceptable.

The father went on to explain that even though the movie industry would have us believe that most of today’s movies are acceptable fare for adults and youth, they are not.

Now, when this father’s children want to see something that is of questionable material, the father merely asks them if they would like some of his ‘special’ brownies. That ends the discussion.

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The Blessing in No

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said “No”.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said “No”.
Her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said “No”.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn’t
granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said “No”.
I give you blessings, happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said “No”.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings
you closer to Me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said “No”.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make
you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said “No”.
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said… Ahhhh, finally you have the idea!

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IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER By Erma Bombeck
I would talk less and listen more. I would have invited friends over for dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. I would have eaten popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble on about his youth. I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life. I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband (wife). I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day. I would have never bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more “I love yous” … more “I’m sorrys” …, but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute … look at it and really see it … live it … and never give it back.

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WISE ADVISE FROM KIDS
*Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10
*When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11
*Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment. – Traci, 14
*Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers -Mitchell, 11
*Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Andrew, 9
*Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9
*You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk – Armir, 9
*Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, 11
*If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse – Naomi, 15
*Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9
*Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat -Joel, 9
*When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13
*Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8

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FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
*A day without sunshine is like….night.
*On the other hand, you have different fingers.
*I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
*42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
*I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
*You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
*I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
*Honk if you love peace and quiet.
*Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
*Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
*Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
*I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
*I intend to live forever-so far, so good.
*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
*Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
*The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
*Support bacteria–they’re the only culture some people have.
*When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and
going the wrong way.
*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
*Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
*For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
*Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
*Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
*No one is listening until you make a mistake.
*Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
*The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
*The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the
bread.
*The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
*Two wrongs are only the beginning.
*The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard (or not enough chlorine).
*The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
*Plan to be spontaneous–tomorrow.
*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
*How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
*If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

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ARE WE ARE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!”  “Is this her first child?” the
doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted, “this is her husband!”

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LOVE

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel.
2. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.
3. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance–and you find out you still care for that person.
4. A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone who means a lot
to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.
5. When one door of happiness closes, another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.
6. The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch, swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.
7. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
8. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they’ll love you back! don’t expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.
9. There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don’t be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his heart.
10. Never say good-bye when you still want to try – never give up when you still feel you can take it – never say you don’t love that person anymore when you can’t let go.
11. Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, need to love those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.
12. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone – but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
13. Don’t go for looks’ it can deceive; don’t go for wealth – even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile cuz only a smile makes a dark day seem bright. Hope you find that person.
14. There are moments in life when you really miss someone that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that someone.
15. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be; cuz you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want in life.
16. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to
make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy and enough money to buy me gifts.
17. Always put yourself in other’s shoes. if you feel that it hurts you, it probably does hurt the person, too.
18. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.
19. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them with our own image – otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them!
20. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
21. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
22. Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with a tear.
23. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
24. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling – live your life so that when you die, you’re smiling and everyone around you is crying.

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THE POWER OF WORDS

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit.

When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?” The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say.

Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words are sometimes hard to understand. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times or you can be a treasure today and take the time to encourage another.

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REASON ENOUGH – Words and music by Avalon

I don’t know what You saw in me –
But I’m glad You believed –
In spite of my condition –
That Your mission was to rescue my heart –
Don’t understand the sacrifice –
Why You gave up Your life for the sake of my soul –
Only Heaven knows –

There’s a mystery that lies –
Within the logic of Your love –
There’s an undying mercy –
That I’m unworthy of –

If that isn’t reason enough to love You –
Reason enough to give You –
All of my heart and soul –
There’ll never be a reason –
If that isn’t reason enough to trust You –
Reason enough to give You –
All of my life I know –
There’ll never be a reason –
If that isn’t reason enough –

You have opened my eyes to see –
The miracle You have made of me –
I am Your creation –
So keep reminding me –

There’s a mercy so much stronger –
Than the weakness in me –
And there are glimpses of Your power –
That make it easy to believe –

From their album “A Maze of Grace”

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ANSWERS TO “AEROBICS FOR YOUR BRAIN”
1. Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people
to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.
2. Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship.
3. Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes.
4. If they put them all together, there will be one pile.
5. Horse racing.
6. The President.
7. Throw the ball straight up.
8. Suicide.
9. Sleeplessness.
10. Just once. Then you’d be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.
11. You will have two apples.
12. Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.